day 7

Friday, 10 Feb 2017

متنTEXT

Session 2

Session 1

 

۲۸ سالگی

در دانشگاه عملکرد خوبی نداشتم اما با دوستام خیلی هم بد نمیگذشت. دکتر جدیدی داروی جدیدی برام نوشت که خیلی موثر بود. شاد و امیدوار شدم و آسونگیر.

با دوستم به یک عروسی رفتیم. تقریبا تمام مدت رقصیدم وستاره ی مجلس شدم. موقع شام پسر خیلی خوش قیافه و خوش اندامی با لبخند محجوبی برامون شام آورد و رفت.
گفتم چه نازه
دوستم گفت اگر بیاد خواستگاریت زنش میشی؟
گفتم آره چرا نمیشم. چند روز بعد دوستم زنگ زد که برات یک خواستگار پیدا شده. خوشحال شدم. هیچوقت فکر نکرده بودم که پسری خواستگارم بشه که از نظرم زیبا  باشه. گفتم بیاد. ۱۰ فروردین اومدن خواستگاری، ۱۲م بله برون بود. قرارشد ۶ ماه نامزد باشیم و بعد عقد کنیم. از روز بعد مادرم غر میزد و منو کلافه میکرد.

با این درست رفتار کن، اینم ولت نکنه
بهش حرفی نزنی ها
باهاش صمیمی نشو

یک روز من که نبودم خونه با مادرم تبانی کرده بود که زودتر عقد کنیم تا خونواده ش برنامه رو به هم نزنن. خیلی ناراحت شدم اما هنوز تحت تاثیر دارو بودم و احساس خطر نمیکردم. اردیبهشت عقد ما با حضور ۶ نفر
و بدون حضور خانواده ی او برگزار شد.

ازخدایی که سالها بود ترکش کرده بودم خواستم نذاره چیزی باعث ایجاد شک دردلش نسبت به گذشته ی من بشه. خیلی سعی کردم عاشقش باشم، زن مطلوبش باشم. او سعی میکرد خوشحال باشه و منو وادار به کارهایی میکرد که خودش دوست داشت. هیچ تلاشی برای درک من و پاسخ دادن به نیازهای من نمیکرد. حتی بلد نبود من رو در رابطه ی جنسی به حساب بیاره. اینو یادش دادم، اما متاسفانه نمیتونستم ارضا بشم. اون فقط جسم منو میدید و لذتش رو ابراز میکرد، اما در رفتارهاش احساس عمیقی نمیدیدم. برام دردآور بود که با اونهمه ادعای آزادگی و روشنفکری چطور تن دادم به ازدواج با کسی که نمیشناختمش.

برای اینکه رابطه مون خراب نشه قبول کردم بچه دار بشم. دوره ی حاملگی وحشتناک بود. با خانواده ش همراه شده بود که اگر پسر باشه دیگه مال خودمه و بتو نمیدمش.

جهنمی از پشیمانی. عاملی بودم برای اینکه همسرم احساس مرد بودن داشته باشه در جامعه یی که هیچ حق قانونی برای یک مادر وجود نداره و پدر میتونه فرزند شیرخوار رو به زن دیگری بسپاره برای شیر دادن، و در دوسالگی میتونه فرزندم رو برای همیشه از من بگیره. تهدید به سقط میکردم حتی اگر به قیمت جانم تموم بشه.


 

 

 

28 years old

Because of anti-depression medications I was numb and slow. The smart girl of previous years was nowhere to be seen. A new psychiatrist put me on a new medication that was very effective. It made me happy and easygoing, relaxed and upbeat.

Around the new year I went to a wedding with my friend. There I danced almost all night and became the center of attention. Many men were hovering around me. Then came time for dinner. A young man with a handsome face and attractive body served us. I said to my friend, “He’s so cute.” My friend asked, “Would you marry him if he to come ask for your hand?” I said, “Of course, why not.”

A few days later my friend called me and said that there was someone who wanted to be my suitor. It made me happy. I had never thought that a man that I found attractive would become my suitor. I agreed to let him come to our house. He and his family came to propose on April 2nd. On the 4th we became engaged. The agreement was that we would be engaged for 6 months and then get married. From the next day my mother’s nagging started.

“Be careful with this guy so he wouldn’t leave you like the others.”
“Don’t tell him anything about your past.”
“Don’t get too close to him.”

One day while I was out he came to our house and colluded with my mother for us to get married sooner to avoid his family ruining the wedding plans. It made me very upset but because I was still under the influence of the medication I didn’t feel alarmed. Less than a month later our marriage vows were made with only 6 people present, none from his family.

I prayed to the god whom I had abandoned for many years to not let him become suspicious about my past. I tried very hard to love him and become his desired woman. He tried to be happy and made me participate in things that he liked. He didn’t make any effort to understand me or fulfill my needs. He didn’t even know how to consider my needs during sex. I taught him things, but I couldn’t reach satisfaction. He saw in me only my body and expressed his pleasure in that. But I didn’t see any deep feelings in him toward me. It was painful for me to think that in spite of all my claim to be an intellectual and a freethinker I had agreed to marry someone whom I didn’t know.

To keep our marriage from falling apart, I agreed to get pregnant. The pregnancy period was horrific. He sided with his family and would say things like, “If it turns out a boy we’ll take him from you and never let you see him.”

I was in a hell-hole of regret. I’d become a way for my husband to feel manly in a society that did not recognize any rights for women and a man can take a suckling infant from his mother and give it to another woman to feed and raise, where a man could take my child from me forever as soon as he turned two. I threatened abortion even if that meant loosing my life.