day 8

Saturday, 11 Feb 2017  – LAST DAY

متنTEXT

Session 1 – THERE IS ONLY ONE PERFORMANCE/STREAMING SESSION TODAY, STARTING AT 12:30 EDT/9:30 PDT/17:30 GMT


ادامه از دیروز

۲۸ سالگی

نوزادی فرزندم پر بود از ترسهای من، شوهرم در مقابل هر چیز کوچکی فریاد میزد. همراه خونواده ش تکرار میکردن: بچه ی خودمونه، بچه مال پدره، فلانی بچه رو از زنش گرفت و زد توی شناسنامه ی خواهرش. من وحشتزده، نمیدونستم چطور خودم و فرزندم رو از این خطر در امان نگه دارم. باز سر و کارم به داروهای ضد افسردگی افتاد.

امروز، سالها از اون زمان میگذره و من برای اینکه بتونم شوهرم رو تحمل کنم مجبورم این خاطرات رو در پستوی ذهنم زندانی کنم.  با به خاطر آوردن فقط به کشتن شوهرم فکر میکنم، به پرتاب کردنش به جایی دور، به خفه کردنش

۵۶ سالگی

پدیده ای به نام زهرا. ۱۸ سالگی تو کنکوری که براش درس نخونده بودم رتبه ۳۱۵م آوردم. تو۱۹سالگی کتابفروش گروه حزبی بودم و معروف بود که زهرا هر کتابی رو که بخواد به هر کسی که بخواد میفروشه. اما یکی از قویترین موتورهای محرکه ی زندگی من عاطفه ی جنس مخالف بوده. یاد گرفته بودم که اگر در چشم مردی نگاه کنم چاره ای نداره جز اینکه بهم ابراز عشق کنه و این عکس العمل تقریبا در صد در صد موارد اتفاق میافتاد. تا حالا همه ی مردهایی که شناختم و به نظرم آدمهای قابلی بودن به من ابراز عشق کردن.

یکسالش که بود متوجه شدم پسرم با دیگران تفاوت داره. دکترا جوابی نداشتن. با بزرگتر شدنش تفاوت آشکارتر میشد. همیشه به خاطر رفتارهاش از طرف شوهرم و خانواده ش مورد اعتراض بودم اما هیچکس به شوهرم اعتراض نمیکرد. ده سالش بود که فیلمی دیدم که یک دختر مبتلا به اتیسم رو نشون میداد و حدس زدم که مشکلش باید از این نوع باشه. از سه سال قبل شروع کردم به معرفی اسپرگر و اتیسم و نمایشگاههایی ترتیب دادم برای معرفی این اختلال و کمک خواستن از مردم برای شناسوندنش به دیگران.

از ۵۲ ،سالگی خودم رو تحت رواندرمانی قرار دادم تا بتونم از زیر تاثیر خاطراتی بیرون بیام که پنهانی بر رفتارم تاثیرهای ناخواسته میذارن. این چالش خیلی دردناک رو هنوز هم ادامه میدم.

گیتا: یک اسم مستعار انتخاب کن. زهرا: اسمم برام مهمه چون از زجرهای زندگیم بوده. دلم نمیخواست اسمم صدای زنبور قرمز بده. خیلی وقتها صدام میکردن زهراب. یا مامانم وقتی صدام میکرد زهرا و میگفتم ها میگفت زهرمار. بذار همون زهرا. گیتا: باشه منم اسم زهرا رو ترجیح میدم چون مذهبیه و در کنار بقیه داستان تضاد ایجاد میکنه. شاید اسم کتابت رو هم بذاریم گشت زهرا!.

 

28 Years Old – continued from yesterday

My child’s early years were filled with my fear and apprehension. My husband would scream and be mad at the slightest thing. He and his family would keep repeating, “He’s our child, he belongs to us. The child belongs to his father. So and so took away his child from his wife and registered him in his sister’s name.” I was frightened and didn’t know how to protect myself and my son from these dangers. Again I started taking anti-depressants.

Today it’s been years since those times. In order to tolerate my husband, I have to lock away these memories in my mind’s deep recesses. When I remember, I can only think about killing my husband, suffocating him, throwing him somewhere far far away.

 

56 years old

A phenomenon named Zahra. At age 18, even though I hadn’t studied, I ranked 315 out of over 130,000 who took the university entrance exams. At 19 I sold books for our political party, and people said that Zahra could sell any book that she chose to any person that she chose. But one of the strongest motivations of my life has been the affection of the opposite gender. I had learned that if I make eye contact with any man he would have no option but to fall in love with me. And this reaction was exactly what happened in hundred percent of the cases. Until now, every man whom I’ve considered to be a worthy person has professed his love for me.

When he was a year old, I realized that my son was different from other children. The doctors had no answers. As he grew the difference became more obvious. Because of his behavior, I was always under attack by my husband and his family. But nobody ever find fault with my husband. When my son was ten, I saw a film about an autistic girl. I guessed that my son had a similar disability. Three years ago I started a series of events to inform and educate my community about autism and Asperger syndrome, and have been getting help from people to spread the word to others.

Since the age of 52 I have been getting counseling to pull myself out of the influence of memories that without my awareness condition my behavior in unwanted directions. This is a painful challenge that continues to today.

Gita: Please choose a pseudonym. For your safety I want your identity to be protected. Zahra: My name is important to me because it’s been a cause of suffering in my life. I hated that the sound of my name resembled the noise of a red bee. Many times people would call me zahrab (urine). Sometimes my mother would call me, “Zahra” and when I responded she would say “zahr-e mar.” (Snake poison.) Keep is as Zahra. Gita: Sure. I prefer Zahra too because it’s a religious name [the name of the prophet’s daughter] and introduces interesting contradictions in the story. Maybe we should name your book ghasht(e) Zahra. [Ghasht-e Zahra was the name given to squads of 4 fully veiled and armed women who patrolled the streets in Iran from the 1980s to 2000s to enforce mandatory veiling on women. They had the power to arrest and beat up those who resisted. The phrase could also mean Zahra’s excursion. Alternatively, read as gasht Zahra, it could mean Zahra was or Zahra travelled or Zahra became.]